A concerned parent on an email list recently asked the list for advice on their young boy who likes girl things. This happens every few weeks, and I write the letter over and over again in various ways. It goes something like this:
Dear Parent,
You should tell your young son that there are many many boys like him, who like girl things. Sometimes these feelings are very strong and last forever, and there are ways that boys can become girls when they are older, but very often boys who like girl things come to accept their own bodies and find friends like themselves and have good lives with friends and families.
Insert positive GLTBQ role models in your life here.
If you have none in your personal life, reach out to pop-culture heros and figures. Johnny Weir, Ellen Degeneres, Ru Paul, or any of a list of actors and actresses and artists the child might recognize. (Ellen was Dorie the Fish in Finding Nemo.)
He needs to know, as you are telling him, that you love him just the way he is. He also needs to know that many people don’t understand and won’t accept young boys who like girl things. You and him will have to figure out how to navigate your situation; I could tell you about our wonderful, easy experience living in our progressive city, but it might not be relevant. Our experience indicates that in the most progressive of places you’ll find some opposition, and in the most repressive, you will find some support–if you look hard enough.
I believe there’s a tipping point, for tolerance vs intolerance; once one view or another gets to a certain level, tolerance (or intolerance) gets driven deep underground. There are dozens, hundreds of families all around you going through this exact same thing, but they are invisible to you, and to each other, and they all suffer in silence, and they are all suppressing this behavior because they think that is the right thing to do.
Then there are the people who will moderate the behavior in public, but not in private, this may be what you have to do to get by; there’s no clinical evidence at this point that would indicate that you are harming your child by accepting him privately and protecting him publicly by compromising with him on his public persona.
In speaking with your child’s teacher, you want to be clear on these things:
- You support your kid just the way he is; you don’t want to change him.
- Supporting, not suppressing, these kids is an emerging trend among therapists and mental health care professionals.
- Supportive child-rearing is supported by research which shows that a supportive model is associated with lower rates of various mental illnesses.
- Print out the CNMC (Children’s National Medical Center) brochure and bring it with you; if you are intimidated, tongue-tied, scared, just review it with your child’s teacher and school officials.
The teacher may help by doing these things:
- Avoiding boy/girl sorting for games and activiies; this always makes some kids uncomfortable, both boys and girls.
- Not policing the fantasy play area, allowing all children to explore all the costumes.
- Not tolerating bullying behavior when a child engages in cross gender exploration; kids should be allowed to play with the toys they like to play with. Your son can become a part of the tolerance curriculum for your school; my son always was.
Very young kids take their cues from teachers wholeheartedly. If your teachers are on board, your young kid shouldn’t have to suffer.
- Allowing the child the use of a gender neutral bathroom (such as the Nurses bathroom) if this becomes an issue.
About early (K-6) social transition
You should also know that early childhood transition, especially for boys, is recommended generally as a last resort by some but not all supportive professionals. Kids who need it, who are accepted by their families early on, will push hard for social transition, and that decision is best made in consultation with a knowledgeable gender therapist with whom you share a set of values. You don’t have to get out ahead of your kid.Differing attitudes towards MTF and FTM behavior can make the MTF child more likely to claim a female identity to gain access to the gendered items denied them. Girls can wear pants, be tomboys, engage in all kinds of boyish behavior; boys often can’t. In particularly homophobic communities it is not uncommon for boys who will one day identify as gay to claim a female identity as children in order to excuse their behaviors. “I’m really a girl!”
A majority of gay men report having gender variant interests and behaviors as children. Not all gay men. But most gay men. More than half. There appear to be many many more gay men than there are transgender people.
Some acceptance is much better than nothing
Moderate accommodations for gender variant kids are associated with dramatic lowering of suicide rates. Interventions which move families from saying things like ‘you will burn eternally in hell and you’re not my kid’ to “I don’t agree with your choices but I still love you,” lower the suicide rates for GV kids to almost normal.
Even if your advocacy only moves your friends and family a small amount, that amount may prove life-saving for your child, or someone elses.Your support for your child, regardless of what you can work out wiht your community, is a huge thing.
About your pediatrician and chromosomal testing:
You should know that 99 times out of hundred there is no detectable genetic or physical abnormality detectable in gender variant children. It is a fine thing to rule out, but it is probably a waste of time and money. Point your doctor at the CNMC brochure / program, and at the recent study I mention.
Where to turn if your teacher and school refuses to be supportive:
It is always best to expect the best from your negotiations with your school system, to avoid starting our by being confrontational. The experts in the area of negotiating with school systems for acceptance of GV and trans kids are TYFA. Contact Kim Pearson for further information.
The fact that you are asking these questions means your child is lucky to have you as a parent.
Seek support for yourself as well as your child
You cannot parent your child the way you should until you deal with your stress, your own fears, your own issues. You may have to ‘fake it till you make it,’ as you deal with your own homophobia and transphobia. Communicating with families in your situation can be a huge help. Check the sidebar of this site for on-line and real world support groups for friends family and allies of GLBTQ people. Be aware that even among GLBT people there are a variety of opinions on early childhood interventions and transgender issues in general.
You and your child are not alone.
My Slate piece is now on-line.
