Cop’s Wife’s Pre-school Son is Gay.

Or, as she says, he isn’t. Either way, he can be what he wants on Halloween.

Supportive folks, let’s help drown out the haters. We almost always do, don’t we?

This is my reply to her piece:

Cop’s Wife

You are doing the right thing, but you don’t have to suggest that your son is doing this because of your gender, his sibling’s gender or his friend’s gender. Your assumption is natural, and therapists will suggest this to you as well, but I can tell you from the personal experience of many hetero-normative families that this happens in every kind of family; even families largely composed of males.

Your son is being himself; he can be this because you love him unconditionally. Unlike the generations of kids who grew up living a lie, trying to fit into a mold they didn’t fit, your kid is going to know who he is, and is going to be stronger and happier for it, even though the road ahead may be difficult–made difficult by some of the people who are posting the hateful replies.

My son was, and continues to be, the same way; he’s 12. I blog about the experience of raising him at www.acceptindad.com, and I belong to two great support communities on-line. You are not alone.

Your attitude is dead on; your child may be gay–or not. He may be trans, but that is much less likely than being gay. A majority of gay people (but not all) report having gender non-conforming interests and behaviors as kids. There are 10 times more gay people than trans people.

But none of this matters now; your kid is a boy who likes girl things. He may affirm a different identity in the future. Or he may not. There are many ways to be a boy or a girl, a man or a woman.

The haters here don’t understand that this isn’t a choice. Most of them don’t know about the members of their own extended family that are gay. Their attitudes may have driven that underground. And as much as I want to hate the haters, I know that many of them are just one gay friend, gay uncle, gay child, away from having their hearts transformed by love.

We are all homophobic, to some degree. It’s been bred into us. It radiates from culture, from certain churches, from a few old lines in religious texts (always next to lines that nobody pays attention to anymore.) It takes work to come to acceptance.

You probably know that kids who are accepted for who they are  have lower suicide rates. “I love my kid. Kids who are forced to conform and hide who they are have elevated levels of mental illness and suciide, according to scientific research. I don’t want my kid to be sick, or die, so I accept him and love him how he is. Why is that wrong?”

It’s only wrong if you think that people are this way by choice; and they aren’t. We have only to listen to them, listen to the science, and see the hypocrisy of those that claim that this is a choice–who frequently are caught with the pants down, engaged in homosexual acts.

Many of the haters here are gay themselves; gay bashing has been a great way to prove you aren’t gay. But that is changing. The new way to be secure in your identity, and send that message, is to accept people who are different.

Congratulations on joining a growing group of families and supportive professionals who accept these kids as they are, and who help them deal with a world that has yet to catch up to them.

Love from my family to yours,

Bedford Hope