Insert positive GLTBQ role models in your life here.
If you have none in your personal life, reach out to pop-culture heros and figures. Johnny Weir, Ellen Degeneres, Ru Paul, or any of a list of actors and actresses and artists the child might recognize. (Ellen was Dorie the Fish in Finding Nemo.)
- You support your kid just the way he is; you don’t want to change him.
- Supporting, not suppressing, these kids is an emerging trend among therapists and mental health care professionals.
- Supportive child-rearing is supported by research which shows that a supportive model is associated with lower rates of various mental illnesses.
- Print out the CNMC (Children’s National Medical Center) brochure and bring it with you; if you are intimidated, tongue-tied, scared, just review it with your child’s teacher and school officials.
The teacher may help by doing these things:
- Avoiding boy/girl sorting for games and activiies; this always makes some kids uncomfortable, both boys and girls.
- Not policing the fantasy play area, allowing all children to explore all the costumes.
- Not tolerating bullying behavior when a child engages in cross gender exploration; kids should be allowed to play with the toys they like to play with. Your son can become a part of the tolerance curriculum for your school; my son always was.
Very young kids take their cues from teachers wholeheartedly. If your teachers are on board, your young kid shouldn’t have to suffer. - Allowing the child the use of a gender neutral bathroom (such as the Nurses bathroom) if this becomes an issue.
About early (K-6) social transition
You should also know that early childhood transition, especially for boys, is recommended generally as a last resort by some but not all supportive professionals. Kids who need it, who are accepted by their families early on, will push hard for social transition, and that decision is best made in consultation with a knowledgeable gender therapist with whom you share a set of values. You don’t have to get out ahead of your kid.Differing attitudes towards MTF and FTM behavior can make the MTF child more likely to claim a female identity to gain access to the gendered items denied them. Girls can wear pants, be tomboys, engage in all kinds of boyish behavior; boys often can’t. In particularly homophobic communities it is not uncommon for boys who will one day identify as gay to claim a female identity as children in order to excuse their behaviors. “I’m really a girl!”
A majority of gay men report having gender variant interests and behaviors as children. Not all gay men. But most gay men. More than half. There appear to be many many more gay men than there are transgender people.
Some acceptance is much better than nothing
Moderate accommodations for gender variant kids are associated with dramatic lowering of suicide rates. Interventions which move families from saying things like ‘you will burn eternally in hell and you’re not my kid’ to “I don’t agree with your choices but I still love you,” lower the suicide rates for GV kids to almost normal.
Even if your advocacy only moves your friends and family a small amount, that amount may prove life-saving for your child, or someone elses.Your support for your child, regardless of what you can work out wiht your community, is a huge thing.
About your pediatrician and chromosomal testing:
You should know that 99 times out of hundred there is no detectable genetic or physical abnormality detectable in gender variant children. It is a fine thing to rule out, but it is probably a waste of time and money. Point your doctor at the CNMC brochure / program, and at the recent study I mention.
Where to turn if your teacher and school refuses to be supportive:
It is always best to expect the best from your negotiations with your school system, to avoid starting our by being confrontational. The experts in the area of negotiating with school systems for acceptance of GV and trans kids are TYFA. Contact Kim Pearson for further information.
The fact that you are asking these questions means your child is lucky to have you as a parent.
Seek support for yourself as well as your child
You cannot parent your child the way you should until you deal with your stress, your own fears, your own issues. You may have to ‘fake it till you make it,’ as you deal with your own homophobia and transphobia. Communicating with families in your situation can be a huge help. Check the sidebar of this site for on-line and real world support groups for friends family and allies of GLBTQ people. Be aware that even among GLBT people there are a variety of opinions on early childhood interventions and transgender issues in general.
You and your child are not alone.
PS: This letter is merely a starting point for reading which should encompass the sidebar links at this site and others. I am not a professional therapist or advocate, just a parent with a GV Kid.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Very well said. I agree whole-heartedly.
How do I get on the list-serve. I joined about a year ago, and now I can’t seem to find my way back. Thanks!
The CNMC parent group list serve has an intake process which costs a little money; the Trans Kids Family group has no fee and a less arduous intake process; both links in the sidebar have info on who to contact. I should add the contact info to the links I think.
In many cities parents of gender-variant boys and girls have come together to create support and information groups. In Boston such a group exists at the Floating Hospital, Tufts Medical Center. Parents meet approximately quarterly. Contact me for more information: eperrin@tuftsmedicalcenter.org.
I see you have the Seattle support group in your Support Groups list, but not the one in Oakland, CA. That one is growing and has been going for several years.
Gender Spectrum runs both groups, and they have recently upgraded their website to include a lot of information and resources, including a page about both the in-person support groups and a new phone-in support group.
Here’s the link to the current information about the three groups:
http://www.genderspectrum.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=55&Itemid=66