Michael McGough questions the wisdom of supportive parenting in Psychiatrists, ‘Sissies’ and the Schoolyard from the LA Times:
… this connection informs a program at a Washington, D.C., children’s hospital that helps parents accept their “gender-variant” kids. A brochure for the program advises parents that although most of these boys will be gay, many will “grow up to be masculine and conventional in their appearance.” Meanwhile, the program counsels parents to question “traditional assumptions about social gender roles and sexual orientation.” “The more that society and their peers may be critical of [these children],” it says, “the more important it is for them to have the support and acceptance of their families.”
The question is whether programs like this – or kinder, gentler medical manuals – will prevent other kids from tormenting outcasts with words like “sissy” or “retard” — or “fatso,” for that matter. Children, unfortunately, are crueler than either parents or psychiatrists.
You know, I’m sure this guy’s heart is in the right place, but I catch in this piece the whiff of the notion that supportive parents are moonbat utopians setting their gender variant kids up for bullying on the schoolyard, when what they need to do is practice some ‘common sense’ and reign in their kid’s identities.
Teach ‘em to hide.
I have to say, I was this guy 10 years ago. And let me tell you how full of shit I was about a subject I knew nothing about.
The DC program and brochure (the CNMC program linked to in my sidebar) that amuse McGough understands that different communities have different levels of tolerance for non-conformity. It understands compromise, safety, dress codes, standards. What supportive parenting aims at is not making sure every GV boy gets a Hello Kitty lunchbox and a pink skirt; it’s trying to attack the root of self-loathing, self-hatred, which leads to highly elevated suicide rates and lives wasted icognito.
Yeah, a kid who hasn’t been taught to hate himself might get beat up, because he hasn’t internalized that he is less human than a normal boy; he might also not end up swinging from the rafters. Of course, that kid might be bullied so badly in either case that he takes his own life. In both cases, isn’t it the bullying that is the actual problem? Not the lunchbox?
Bullying victims, like rape victims, aren’t asking for it.
So I wrote an irate reply, which it seems like someone didn’t like, as it has vanished. So I’m posting this on my own puppet show.
We know what we’re doing Mike. Our kids will pay the consequences when we’re wrong, but you’d be amazed at my kid if you knew him. He’s fearless. Doesn’t wilt at the occasional epithet. Looks cute in the skirt, with the blond streak in his shoulderlength hair.
I saw him once, in second grade, turn on a kid who asked him pointedly why a boy would want to wear a skirt.
“BECAUSE IT’S A FREE COUNTRY, ASSHOLE!”
My son is doing fine in the Schoolyard, Mike. He’s the bravest person I’ve ever known. I like to think our support gave him some of that courage, but who knows.
All I know is, the CNMC pamphlet didn’t hurt him a bit.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Bedford: Your post about my post reminded me of that line “I’m just a fool whose intentions are good/Oh Lord please don’t let me be misunderstood.” I did not find the pamphlet amusing, and I don’t think parents should “rein in” their children’s identities at all. I thought the post made clear that I thought the program was an admirable one. In fact, I sent the post to the director of the CNMC program and I didn’t get the impression that he thought I was being critical. I don’t think supportive parenting of gender-variant kids is wrong or even futile, just that it’s harder to change children’s attitudes than adults’. I also know that some anti-bullying programs have had success. My musings were not meant as an argument that kids should sublimate their personalities. Anyway, I have a continuing journalistic interest in this subject and would be happy to talk to you about it sometime. Feel free to conatct me. Mike McGough
‘Yeah, a kid who hasn’t been taught to hate himself might get beat up, because he hasn’t internalized that he is less human than a normal boy; he might also not end up swinging from the rafters.’
This, to me is the main reason why I let my little pinkboy wear his pink, and fairy wings. Tomorrow I need to buy him new shoes and he’s insisting that they be sparkly. The practical parent is resisting silly shoes but I know I’ll probably cave.
His biological father liked women but he also used to sleep with men. A bit before our son was conceived he decided to be straight because it was easier. We lost him two years ago.
I refuse to lose my child like that. You can’t save them from the rest of the world but you can make darn sure that home is a loving and accepting place.